Phoenix

Phoenix
People have asked to get some preview of the book I am working on. So, here it is. Obviously, names have been change to protect people's privacy. I hope you will read with an open mind and heart.
Thanks

By 1990, I was dying slowly, intentionally, literally. Phoenix was hot. Don't let people tell you "it's a dry heat". No matter how dry 126 degrees is, it's above all else unbearably hot and miserable. Phoenix was an Eagles album cover. It was wavy with heat on the horizon of palm trees, stucco buildings, and strip malls. There wasn't any grass except for golf courses. I was tired of driving, sitting, and listening to the sound of the road.

I was scheduled to attend Glendale Community College and major in Finance. But why, I have no idea. But, I think mainly, I was searching for someone to save me from myself. I wouldn't find that someone in Phoenix, but I did find Isaac. He was as messed up as me, and FUN. He loved to drink. The night I met Isaac, I was drunk and high from hunger. He thought I was beautiful and I hated myself. We were a perfect match.

Glendale Community College and Doc Oz, my abnormal psychology professor, ultimately saved my life. I had an odd schedule of classes: Finance, Accounting, 2D Design, Spanish, and Abnormal Psychology. I signed up for abnormal psych as an elective. The first day of class I was hazy, hung over, and drinking a big gulp…breakfast. Doc Oz came into the classroom of approximately 40 students, me being the oldest at 24, and told us to each share something about ourselves that was abnormal. I was terrified. I can't share. I can't speak in front of people. Hell, I can't speak out loud when I am by myself! People judge me. I judge me. I can't. I can't. I can't. But, I had to. And, it was okay. I talked about the time when I was only 16 and my boyfriend, friends, and I broke into a bowling alley that was being built and started a bonfire. I told my story and he moved on to the next person. She had a crystal meth habit in high school. It was uneventful. I didn't die.

The semester progressed, not effortlessly, but surprisingly okay. I participated. I was involved. I was fascinated. Crazy made me feel sane, and at home. It made my world make sense. I went to school from 7 a.m. to 12 noon. I took a nap ant then went to work from 3 p.m. to midnight. I would get home at 12:30 a.m. and Isaac would be waiting for me…drunk. I would have some wine to wind down and go to sleep with Isaac. It was simple. It was sad. But, it was mine. And, I felt as loved as I could. And then, I passed out for the first time.

Our abnormal psych class took a field trip to the state mental hospital. It was very exciting, at least to me it was. It was hot as usual, and the bus trip seemed long, but of course I had my big gulp. We were herded in like cattle through the areas that we were allowed to see. For the most part, everything was very sterile and somewhat "cleaned up" for us. But, then we went to the children's ward. There wasn't anything grotesque or shocking, but ther was a sense of hopelessness. The room seemed not as tall as normal. It was small. I tried to separate myself from the group and hug the back cinderblock wall. There was a display of brochures next to me that I tried to focus on…abuse, attention deficit disorder, bulimia;…I started to slide down the wall. I felt paper and metal. Then, I saw Doc Oz's face. "Are you okay? Do you want to go outside?" he said. I must have said yes. It's unclear to me now. But, Doc Oz and I went outside on the steps of the children's ward at the State Mental Hospital in Phoenix. "Are you pregnant?" he asked me. And all I could think was….am I that fat? "No, no, I'm not pregnant. I probably just drank too much last night." That excuse seemed to appease him. We resumed the tour. I succeeded in covering up my secret. So, I must be okay. Right? I am. I am okay. Isaac hasn't noticed. And Lola and Henry are oblivious. They are in love.

Lola wants me to love Isaac. And by love Isaac, I mean be "in love" with Isaac. Henry is an alcoholic and so is Isaac. We could commiserate together. I can't love him. Not really. I can only spend every night with him, and hold him, but I don't have love to give to anyone. I just can't. I have another lover. But, my apparent lack of love is causing tension with everyone. It's unbearable. I have acquired a tic. It's odd. I chop carrots. I buy carrots in bulk from Mega Foods on 67th avenue and chop carrot sticks whenever I am home. I clogged the disposal with the peelings. Lola thinks I am crazy. I am sure of it. But, for some reason, the repetition of the chopping motion seems to calm me. I wrote my final paper on obsessive compulsive disorder.

Our final project for Doc Oz's class was to pick a disorder that we identify with and write a paper on it. I picked OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I don't pick the disorder that is eating me from within because I still think I have hidden it so cleverly. I can hide my pain from the real world with OCD and carrot sticks. If I can chop enough carrot sticks to clog the disposal, I can mask the real pain. I got an A.

Isaac….he calls to tell me to dress up and he will pick me up for our final date. He doesn't say "final date", but it is. I am moving. Moving on. I am moving to Flagstaff, Arizona. Phoenix is too hot and I think Lola and Henry know my secret. Of course they know. But, I am going to move to Flagstaff with my friend Duncan. But, tonight, I will be with Isaac. We went to the Hyatt revolving restaurant in downtown Phoenix. I don't remember what we ate, but I do know what I felt. I felt special. More special than I have ever felt in my life. He was a drunk, but he had passion. It pierced my soul. I got lost when I went to the bathroom because the restaurant rotates around while the center stands still. Isaac found me.

Isaac got a room in the Hyatt for us to stay the night. The view was beautiful and we had champagne. He gave me roses and told me he loved me before he passed out. I wonder to this day, if he remembers.