We don’t have the power to control much, but we can
control our choices. And today, I chose to stay alive.
I made a commitment to be sober on 4/20/12 but did
not make the commitment to stay alive until 2 weeks later. The road that lead
to these choices was long and paved with pain, anger, erratic behavior, lies,
therapy, 30 plus years of drinking, anxiety, pills, a suicide attempt, and then
a 2nd suicide attempt.
The 2nd attempt was on 4/16/12. I just wanted to go
to sleep. You will hear many survivors of suicide attempt say this because
somehow that makes the fact that we tried to kill ourselves more palatable. I
was up drinking as usual. Drinking was no longer fun. Drinking was what I had
to do just to feel normal, to not feel all the emotion and sadness. I existed on
ginger ale and saltines during the day and tequila and Clozapine at night.
Then, if I was lucky, pass out and sleep for 4 hours. That night was
particularly bad because I was not winding down and like I said, I just wanted
to go to sleep. So, I found a bottle of Xanax and dumped some out into my palm
and said to myself, 'well, that should do the trick.'
I only remember flashes from the next 2 days. It
was like an intermittent nightmare. Mostly I could hear voices, my husbands'
being the only recognizable one. I had something uncomfortable around my neck,
which I later found out was a neck brace and a catheter that I kept trying to
pull out. My first clear memory was sitting naked in a wheelchair facing a sink
and mirror. I felt detached from the reflection of myself, slumped,
expressionless, in this stark white room with a female nurse bathing me. Later
I was moved to a regular room with round the clock observation. I was not
allowed to use the restroom alone. I was not allowed to be alone.
Once the Doctor came in he asked, 'Do you know what
you have done to yourself?' There was just the briefest of pauses before he
gave me the list:
•
Benzo overdose
•
Blood alcohol level of 206
•
Hemoglobin count of 6, that required a transfusion
of 4 units blood
•
And a concussion
I knew I had to quit drinking, but I still didn't
want to. I still didn't want to live. But, I did want out of the hospital. This
sounds unreal to people without depression and to non-addicts, but all I could
think was, I would need to be more careful and figure out better ways to hide
it. But, there were a few turning points for me. The first, my husband, who
fights to stay alive by going to dialysis 3 times a week, saying, 'I love you,
but I can't live like this anymore. And I will leave if you drink again.' I
needed that. I needed someone to stand up to me and say ENOUGH! So, on 4/20/12
with my hospital bracelet still around my wrist, I went to an AA meeting, took
a white chip, and made a promise to stay sober at the time for my husband. I
could not do it for myself yet because I still wanted to drink, but I want my
marriage more.
The second turning point came when my therapist read
out loud to me the account from the paramedics and team of that night. I was
found in the hallway in a pool of my own urine and unresponsive. There was a
quote from my husband saying 'she doesn't drink that much. I think she may have
had an asthma attack.' Hearing the account all I could do was cry. I had put
him in the vulnerable and horrible position of not knowing. I suddenly realized
it's not all about me. I am hurting other people. I am hurting the people I
love the most. And then, Sally my therapist asked me, 'how does it make you
feel to know the extreme lengths you took to lie to yourself?' The question
still cuts me to my core.
The third turning point was a couple weeks later
when I wanted a chocolate lab puppy. My husband was on the fence about it since
we already had 2 dogs. But, I had to say goodbye to my beloved Tater the year
before and was ready for another brown boy. I finally wore my husband down and
he said, 'we can go get the puppy but you have to make me a promise to stay
alive.' We both cried, but I promised and we got my 'stay alive dog'.
Now it is 4 years, 4 months, and 20 days later and
I am sober, more in love than ever before, and not only alive but choosing all
these things for myself. I cannot promise anyone that it gets easier because it
doesn't, but what it does get is amazing!
Keep living. Don't be silent. Reach out. Ask for help.
