Lately, I have been crying a lot. Not always a bad thing. It is a release. It is sometimes unexpected. It is an expression of love. While riding around in the car, I was listening to Edwin McCain and the song “Let it Slide” came on....one my favorites. And the lyric ‘I would rather wear myself out with a smile’ struck me. Mainly because, the crying has been exhausting me....even more so than why I am crying. Crying has actually made my eyes burn, made me so sleepy I feel like I could fall over, and even given me the feeling of broken ribs. Frankly, given me the feeling of being ‘Broken’.
So, when I heard the Edwin McCain lyric I thought, when was the last time I wore myself out with a smile, had a gut wrenching laugh, acted like an 8 year old, or smiled in secret. A few times came to mind....
Gut wrenching laugh almost anytime the word KAK is used- It originated while Sandra and I were visiting Kris in England. It came about because of a hacking noise I made while drinking port.....KAK. But, somehow, the word morphed into something beyond us. We used it in place of everything. It became it’s on language. It became total laughter, loyalty, and love.
I often act like an 8 year old - I do this by singing. Not just singing songs, although I do sing songs that I make up, but I also just sing what I am doing. Or sing to the dogs how much I love them. Sing to my Husband....and sing the only line I know to one song constantly.....”Oh Sheila”.
I smile in secret quite often - I smile when I watch my Husband listen to music on his headphones. I can see his love, his passion, his soul. I don’t need to hear the music to know that whatever it is it touches him deeply....and that makes me happy.
So, enough of the exhaustion of crying, let’s all laugh until we pee our pants!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Old Things are New Again
In looking through an old journal/sketchbook tonight, I found a short story that I wrote about 10 years ago. Thought I would post it. It is rough, but for some reason, it still makes me smile. I hope you enjoy it!
"A Charmed Life"
The reading of Great Aunt Fontana’s will took 25 minutes. I did not know her, although I was her namesake. My mother had always wanted to name a daughter Fontana, at least that is what my Uncle Lowell told me. Both of my parents were killed in a car crash on the way to the hospital to have me. I was the sole survivor of the crash . My Uncle, on my father’s side, and his wife took on the responsibility of raising me and followed my mother’s wishes to name me Fontana.
Until May 2, 1997, when Reggie Fox Attorney at Law called me, I assumed there was no family left on my Mother’s side. No one had ever tried to contact me. When I found out it was my namesake who had passed on, my mind begin to reel with thoughts of a great fortune, estate, etc...but mostly questions. Reggie Fox told me that Great Aunt Fontana had been hospitalized in Boston since October 10, 1966 and had not spoken a word since that day. I knew this date well. It was the day my parents died. It was also my birthday.
Reggie talked on to explain, “She communicated only through notes. Yesterday, May 1, she requested a piece of legal size paper and a slice of red velvet cake. She was found later that evening. Her will was written on the legal paper with the empty cake plate on top."
The anticipation was killing me as I heard the words, “and to my beloved great niece and namesake, I leave my charm bracelet and journal:. I maintained a calm exterior but the voices in my head were screaming, “did I really sit in this sweltering office to come home with a state fair trinket and some senile, cat loving, old woman’s ramblings!”
Once home, I flung my “bounty” carelessly across the coffee table and retreated to the pantry to find a trusty bottle of Merlot to console myself. The heat of the wine felt good and took the edge off my appalling lack of family and inheritance. I had hoped to come back with some clue of were I came from, or at the very least some monetary gain. With the second glass of wine poured, I begin to feel guilty about my selfishness.
The sun was just beginning to set as I flopped down on my couch to inspect the bracelet and peruse the journal. The bracelet had and elegant deep purple velvet pouch with a gold drawstring rope. Surely, this case had more value than it’s contents. I dumped the bracelet onto my lap and fanned out the charms. There were a total of five: a silver baby shoe with my mother’s birthday 5-1-45, a sliver of blue-green sea glass, a silver diploma, a paintbrush and palate, and a silver heart shaped locket. The bracelet had not been polished and the charms were worn. I placed it back in it’s pouch and turned a lamp on to read the journal.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1945
My sister Sophie had a healthy baby girl today named Cassie. She has red peach fuzz hair and the greenest eyes I have ever seen. When Sophie drifted off to sleep, I stole away from the hospital and bought a silver baby shoe charm. I am going to have the date engraved too. Sophie will love it. It will be hard for her to raise a little girl on her own, but Cassie is an angel. They are going to stay with me until Sophie can get on her feet. My little house by the ocean will be cramped for a while, but well worth it.
I bought 2 slices of red velvet cake.
Journal Entry
January 5, 1946
Cassie took her first steps on her own today! Sophie was not here to see it because she was waitressing at the “Crab House”. I work during the day and take care of Cassie at night. She i a delight. I wish we could have a hundred just like her.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1946
Today was Cassie’s first birthday, but Sophie did not come to her party. I found a note from her when I came home from work. The velvet pouch containing the charm bracelet was beside the letter. She left Cassie and me. She said “ the pressure is too much for me....Fontana, you know ho to love and take care of Cassie better than I ever could... Don’t try to find me.” So, now I am a Mother. I will make sure Cassie grows up knowing her real mother and how much she really did love her. I will tell her stories of our childhood. She will know who she is and where she came from. All girls need to know their Mothers.
We had a red velvet birthday cake.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1950
Today was Cassie’s fifth birthday. We spent the day on the beach. It was the perfect mix of warm wind and salt. I cannot believe it has been so long since I picked up my journal. Raising Cassie has been both a joy and a heartache. She yearns for her Mother, although she has no memory of her. The Sophie she knows is from pictures and stories of the past. Shortly after Sophie deserted us, I received notice of her death. She was found in a small motel outside of Yarmouth. She was in a blood drenched bathtub with a picture of Cassie and me in her hand. I arranged to have her cremated and spread her ashes off the tops of the dunes in Chatham. She always had dreams of flying. I wanted all her dreams to come true.
Cassie found a piece of sea glass and gave it to me. She called it “hard ocean water.” We had red velvet cake and grape juice in wine glasses.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1963
Today Cassie not only turned eighteen, but she became the first woman in our family to graduate high school. When Sophie and I dropped out to help our mother make ends meet, I swore that if I ever had a daughter, she would have the opportunities I did not. I could not be more proud of my dear Cassie. She is so charming, shy, and talented. She inherited her Mother’s stubbornness. She loses herself in her paintings. I find her every afternoon with her easel set up on the shore. Some days the wind is so strong I think she will blow away. But, she plants herself firmly and will not be moved. She will need that stubborn strength and determination to embark on the rest of her life. I cannot believe my little carrot top has a diploma.
We had red velvet cake and champagne.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1964
Cassie left for Italy to study Art. I am filled with so many emotions both sad and joyous. I do not know how to live without her. She assured me that she would only be gone a year. I know this will be an experience that will change her life forever. She is braver than I could ever hope to be.
We had red velvet cake, Chianti, and tears.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1965
Cassie came back just as she promised. She was not alone. Cassie brought a young man back with her. He is an American, from New York, that was traveling through Europe. He saw Cassie late one afternoon painting. He described a scene that was as familiar to me as my own face. I had witnessed the same scene every day throughout Cassie’s young life. I know the love he feels for her because I have felt that love since the day she was born. It was easy for me to tell that he would be good to my Cassie. He had seen her soul and embraced it.
We had red velvet cake and cappuccinos.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1966
I have been frantically working on Cassie’s wedding dress. She and Patrick will be married next month on June 1. Their happiness makes me happy and content. Content that I have raised a strong woman who has found her soul mate. The will have a tough road ahead of the. The baby will be here before the end of the year.
The wedding dress glided onto Cassie’s slightly rounded belly, then fell around her ankles. It was just loose enough to accommodate the pounds between now and the wedding. She looked like an angel. I saved a swatch of the silk to put in a heart shaped locket.
We had red velvet cake, milk, and laughter.
That was Great Aunt Fontana’s last journal entry, but as I turned the page I got a wonderful surprise. There were photographs mounted and captioned for each birthday of my Mother’s life. The tears begin to well up in my eyes as I turned the pages and read; 1st Birthday, 2nd Birthday, 3rd Birthday, ....to 21st Birthday. The picture of my Mother on her 21st and last birthday sent me into wailing cries mixed with boisterous laughter. She was in her wedding dress. Her long red curly hair was wild, her belly was slightly rounded with me, and she had a huge piece of red velvet cake in her hand. I could almost hear the merging sound of Great Aunt Fontana’s and Cassie’s, mom’s, laughter!
As I slowly regained my composure, I put the charm bracelet around my wrist. I opened the heart shaped locket to find a yellowed piece of silk. I felt a clam. The calm was knowing my Mother, my history, and my Great Aunt Fontana. Great Aunt Fontana had give me a priceless inheritance. I had a sense of belonging and love as I had never experienced before. I also had an overwhelming craving for red velvet cake.
The reading of Great Aunt Fontana’s will took 25 minutes. I did not know her, although I was her namesake. My mother had always wanted to name a daughter Fontana, at least that is what my Uncle Lowell told me. Both of my parents were killed in a car crash on the way to the hospital to have me. I was the sole survivor of the crash . My Uncle, on my father’s side, and his wife took on the responsibility of raising me and followed my mother’s wishes to name me Fontana.
Until May 2, 1997, when Reggie Fox Attorney at Law called me, I assumed there was no family left on my Mother’s side. No one had ever tried to contact me. When I found out it was my namesake who had passed on, my mind begin to reel with thoughts of a great fortune, estate, etc...but mostly questions. Reggie Fox told me that Great Aunt Fontana had been hospitalized in Boston since October 10, 1966 and had not spoken a word since that day. I knew this date well. It was the day my parents died. It was also my birthday.
Reggie talked on to explain, “She communicated only through notes. Yesterday, May 1, she requested a piece of legal size paper and a slice of red velvet cake. She was found later that evening. Her will was written on the legal paper with the empty cake plate on top."
The anticipation was killing me as I heard the words, “and to my beloved great niece and namesake, I leave my charm bracelet and journal:. I maintained a calm exterior but the voices in my head were screaming, “did I really sit in this sweltering office to come home with a state fair trinket and some senile, cat loving, old woman’s ramblings!”
Once home, I flung my “bounty” carelessly across the coffee table and retreated to the pantry to find a trusty bottle of Merlot to console myself. The heat of the wine felt good and took the edge off my appalling lack of family and inheritance. I had hoped to come back with some clue of were I came from, or at the very least some monetary gain. With the second glass of wine poured, I begin to feel guilty about my selfishness.
The sun was just beginning to set as I flopped down on my couch to inspect the bracelet and peruse the journal. The bracelet had and elegant deep purple velvet pouch with a gold drawstring rope. Surely, this case had more value than it’s contents. I dumped the bracelet onto my lap and fanned out the charms. There were a total of five: a silver baby shoe with my mother’s birthday 5-1-45, a sliver of blue-green sea glass, a silver diploma, a paintbrush and palate, and a silver heart shaped locket. The bracelet had not been polished and the charms were worn. I placed it back in it’s pouch and turned a lamp on to read the journal.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1945
My sister Sophie had a healthy baby girl today named Cassie. She has red peach fuzz hair and the greenest eyes I have ever seen. When Sophie drifted off to sleep, I stole away from the hospital and bought a silver baby shoe charm. I am going to have the date engraved too. Sophie will love it. It will be hard for her to raise a little girl on her own, but Cassie is an angel. They are going to stay with me until Sophie can get on her feet. My little house by the ocean will be cramped for a while, but well worth it.
I bought 2 slices of red velvet cake.
Journal Entry
January 5, 1946
Cassie took her first steps on her own today! Sophie was not here to see it because she was waitressing at the “Crab House”. I work during the day and take care of Cassie at night. She i a delight. I wish we could have a hundred just like her.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1946
Today was Cassie’s first birthday, but Sophie did not come to her party. I found a note from her when I came home from work. The velvet pouch containing the charm bracelet was beside the letter. She left Cassie and me. She said “ the pressure is too much for me....Fontana, you know ho to love and take care of Cassie better than I ever could... Don’t try to find me.” So, now I am a Mother. I will make sure Cassie grows up knowing her real mother and how much she really did love her. I will tell her stories of our childhood. She will know who she is and where she came from. All girls need to know their Mothers.
We had a red velvet birthday cake.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1950
Today was Cassie’s fifth birthday. We spent the day on the beach. It was the perfect mix of warm wind and salt. I cannot believe it has been so long since I picked up my journal. Raising Cassie has been both a joy and a heartache. She yearns for her Mother, although she has no memory of her. The Sophie she knows is from pictures and stories of the past. Shortly after Sophie deserted us, I received notice of her death. She was found in a small motel outside of Yarmouth. She was in a blood drenched bathtub with a picture of Cassie and me in her hand. I arranged to have her cremated and spread her ashes off the tops of the dunes in Chatham. She always had dreams of flying. I wanted all her dreams to come true.
Cassie found a piece of sea glass and gave it to me. She called it “hard ocean water.” We had red velvet cake and grape juice in wine glasses.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1963
Today Cassie not only turned eighteen, but she became the first woman in our family to graduate high school. When Sophie and I dropped out to help our mother make ends meet, I swore that if I ever had a daughter, she would have the opportunities I did not. I could not be more proud of my dear Cassie. She is so charming, shy, and talented. She inherited her Mother’s stubbornness. She loses herself in her paintings. I find her every afternoon with her easel set up on the shore. Some days the wind is so strong I think she will blow away. But, she plants herself firmly and will not be moved. She will need that stubborn strength and determination to embark on the rest of her life. I cannot believe my little carrot top has a diploma.
We had red velvet cake and champagne.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1964
Cassie left for Italy to study Art. I am filled with so many emotions both sad and joyous. I do not know how to live without her. She assured me that she would only be gone a year. I know this will be an experience that will change her life forever. She is braver than I could ever hope to be.
We had red velvet cake, Chianti, and tears.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1965
Cassie came back just as she promised. She was not alone. Cassie brought a young man back with her. He is an American, from New York, that was traveling through Europe. He saw Cassie late one afternoon painting. He described a scene that was as familiar to me as my own face. I had witnessed the same scene every day throughout Cassie’s young life. I know the love he feels for her because I have felt that love since the day she was born. It was easy for me to tell that he would be good to my Cassie. He had seen her soul and embraced it.
We had red velvet cake and cappuccinos.
Journal Entry
May 1, 1966
I have been frantically working on Cassie’s wedding dress. She and Patrick will be married next month on June 1. Their happiness makes me happy and content. Content that I have raised a strong woman who has found her soul mate. The will have a tough road ahead of the. The baby will be here before the end of the year.
The wedding dress glided onto Cassie’s slightly rounded belly, then fell around her ankles. It was just loose enough to accommodate the pounds between now and the wedding. She looked like an angel. I saved a swatch of the silk to put in a heart shaped locket.
We had red velvet cake, milk, and laughter.
That was Great Aunt Fontana’s last journal entry, but as I turned the page I got a wonderful surprise. There were photographs mounted and captioned for each birthday of my Mother’s life. The tears begin to well up in my eyes as I turned the pages and read; 1st Birthday, 2nd Birthday, 3rd Birthday, ....to 21st Birthday. The picture of my Mother on her 21st and last birthday sent me into wailing cries mixed with boisterous laughter. She was in her wedding dress. Her long red curly hair was wild, her belly was slightly rounded with me, and she had a huge piece of red velvet cake in her hand. I could almost hear the merging sound of Great Aunt Fontana’s and Cassie’s, mom’s, laughter!
As I slowly regained my composure, I put the charm bracelet around my wrist. I opened the heart shaped locket to find a yellowed piece of silk. I felt a clam. The calm was knowing my Mother, my history, and my Great Aunt Fontana. Great Aunt Fontana had give me a priceless inheritance. I had a sense of belonging and love as I had never experienced before. I also had an overwhelming craving for red velvet cake.
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