I've gone missing

Lately, I have been reflecting on the person I was 15 years ago. I constantly dream of that time and seem to romanticize it a bit. Have I lost my former self? And if so, can I get it back?
My life, me, in Arizona, was free. Or, at least I thought I was free. The only responsibilities I had were to go to college and go to work. And both those things were completely negotiable if there was a party, a Dead show, or hell if I had a hangnail. In Flagstaff, I felt home, at least for a while. My biggest worries were will I make enough in tips to go to the Monte Vista and drink? When I left Flagstaff, I was fed up. I knew that if I stayed there, I would become a barfly at best. Now when I look back on that time, I see it differently. I was spontaneous. I didn't think of the consequences, I just did it. But now I often think, was I a poser?
My life now seems in total conflict of who I was or at least who I thought I was. I work for a large bank. I have a 401K. I am going to be a Mom. And crap, I even pay my bills on time. I find myself sucking up, kissing ass, etc....and all I want to do is shower it off! Who am I? Where did the "cool" me go?
After much thought, I realized that the former me is not lost. I may work for "the man" but I do it for a good cause. I still enjoy a great live show, but I just stay out of the mosh pit now. I still live in the ghetto. Now I just do it by choice.
I also realized that that time, that place doesn't exist anywhere anymore except in my head and the head's of the other people who where there. I did not appreciate it while I was there and in it. But, it was special. It was magic. I am a firm believer that you are right where you are supposed to be at all times. So, I may not be willing to camp out for a Dead show for 3 days in the desert anymore, but it is not because the former me is lost. It is because the current me knows that Jerry isn't going to show.